i just sent this text using only my big toe
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
