guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
