I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
