no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
