I will die if light touches me.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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