My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
