There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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