I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
FUCK WHALES
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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