things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
