just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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