if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
