This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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