New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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