The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
