I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
