I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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