how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Two words: nipple clamps
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