so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
