I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
