Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize