I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Drunk is not a location!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.