My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀