You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
