I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
