Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Randomize
