She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
