i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
