eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
