soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
