I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
