nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
