Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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