he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
