I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
