Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She told me I should be a condom model.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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