If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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