Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
