Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You may now shotgun with the bride
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
