On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
