this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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