is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
