i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
