Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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