if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
