a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
