fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
