based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
