That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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