I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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