Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
