i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
