You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
