we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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