Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
