dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
