Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Congratulations! We have a period
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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