Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
