you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
