Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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