Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
