I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
