I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
